Friday, October 29, 2004

Warm Feline Excrement Beverage Anyone?

I heard about this on the radio this morning and I immediately had to look for it. Not because I want any {cough, cough......GAG}, but because I could not believe it.

Cat poop coffee. Now that is just nasty. My understanding is that the cat is fed coffee beans and then when the beans are "released" from cat's body, they are picked from the poop and ground and used to make coffee. WTF??

I love my cat to death. There is no way in hell that I am drinking coffee made with beans that my cat has shat out! Not to mention the gross picking process.

Some people just have way to much time on their damn hands.


I have been looking for information about something I saw on television. An English designer has created a new fashion. The Plumber's crack jeans. Basically they are regular jeans with a 2 or 3 inch strip of material missing in the back, under the waist part, exposing one's butt crack. I Have not been able to find a picture to post here yet. But I will when I do.

Has anyone heard of or seen these? If so please let me know.

I just do not understand the fact that people actually WANT plumber's crack?!


Everyone send some good Karma over to Shelibells. She and K-dawg are making the big move today. Just remember girl you are moving in the right direction!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Who's Your Daddy?

One question.

Major League Baseball, WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

The Boston Red Sox are World Series Champions!

The 86 year curse of the Bambino has been broken. And it took a Bad News Bears type of team to do it! Farewell Babe, Rest in Peace.

The soxs kicked some Yankee ass. Then went on to pluck each and every feather from the Cardinals, in their own nest! That has got to be painful.

They swept 8 championship games in a row. 8 games in a row people!

Now I can put away my voodoo dolls. That fiasco, on 3rd base in game three with the Cards, that was courtesy of sissychong's voodoo.
Run......go, wait, go back.......shit.......SHIT SLIDE........Heeeeez Oooowt! (Insert evil laugh here)

Thank God no one took Manny away from The Sox when he was on waivers.

And the "hair shake"? Absolutely priceless! I want Manny-hair and a friend to do the hair shake with.

I hope Boston is ready for the earth quake that is in store when the Soxs arrive. There is going to be some rumblin' in the hiz-ouse!

Funny how the team that hales from John Kerry's home state kicked ass in BUSH stadium. Maybe its a sign of things to come?

Thank YOU Red Sox (clap, clap, clap)
Thank YOU Red Sox (clap, clap, clap)
Thank YOU Red Sox (clap, clap, clap)

Wicked Pissa!

Happy Thursday!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Squirrels and Blackberry Snaaps

*** There has been some question as to whether the following story is true or not. It is true. The facts are true, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent***

This morning when the kids and I walked out the front door, I noticed what looked like a petrified squirrel laying about 6 ft. from our door on the sidewalk. I gasped, so flip and flop of course said, "WHAT? WHATS WRONG?" So I told them. Being curious children they had to go look at it. They walked up to it and I sternly cautioned them not to touch that "gross, nastee germ infested dead animal".

As they got closer my daughter said "eeeeeeww" and my son said "it died having babies".

Babies? WTF? SO, yeah, I had to go look.

And sitting there was a dead squirrel and 2 dead mice. All of them were laying on their sides. In between the squirrels 2 front paws, was a little, empty bottle of blackberry snaaps! The cap was missing. (***I realize that the squirrel did not actually drink the snaaps, but it was really in his paws, probably some deranged kid in my neighborhood put it there***)

I guess there should be a disclaimer on the bottle that says something like over use of alcohol may be detrimental to the health of squirrels and other small creatures.

So a squirrel and his two mouse buddies were partying outside my house last night. They had a little too much to drink, and this is where the situation gets a bit grey. Did the squirrel in a drunken rage kill the mice and then turn his claws on himself? Did the mice gang up on the squirrel, and if so what happened to them? Maybe they were being obnoxious and loud and one of the stray cats in the neighborhood went postal on them all.

I guess we'll never know for sure.

Poor drunken Squirrel. Thank mother nature he did not drive.

Monday, October 25, 2004

My Big Fat Obnoxious Life

Hey Ya'all! I know its been a while. Things are upside down in my big fat obnoxious life right now.

It took 3 days of phone calls, trips to various doctors and multiple insurance authorizations but on Friday night I dropped him off at a detox/rehab. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was hard to say goodbye. I could not show my heartache and sadness because my pain would have caused him to hop back in the car to come home. Instead I stood strong, like a trooper, I assured him that we would be ok while he was gone. I told him I could handle everything, don't worry about anything I said, just take care of you and get better. I said I love you and I left.

And I cried. I cried almost all the way home from a strange place, in a strange city, on the dark highway, I cried and cried and cried.

I have spoken to him on the phone and each time he sounds a little better. A little stronger, and a little less depressed. He has medication that is helping him thru the withdrawals, medication to help him sleep at night and medication for the depression. He goes to several one on one counseling sessions a day and many meetings on various drug abuse related topics. But he hates it there. He hates being away from us. He hates the loss of freedom, he hates the food. The only thing he does like is the bed. Its a craftmatic ajustable, last night I joked that I will never see him again now that he has a craftmatic adjustable bed. And we laughed and laughed. It was good to laugh with him. Its been a long time since we shared a real laugh.

I miss him, god I miss him so much. I am strong on the phone, I tell him everything is ok, the kids are being good (which they really are) and that I am ok. But I am not. I am so sad and lonely and alone. Some times I have to say, "can you hold on a minute?", so I can try to relax and swallow down the tears. When I get off the phone with him I lock myself in my room and cry until I can not cry anymore. Then I unlock the door, put on a smile for the kids and keep going. This is hard. I know that this is THE BEST thing for him. I know it is the BEST thing for all of us. But right now its hell.

I don't know maybe I am being overly dramatic although it doesn't feel like it in my heart and head.

We don't know how much longer he will be staying. Maybe 3, maybe 5 more days? Maybe longer. Ultimately it is up to him. His counselor is urging him to stay for another week. The detox will be over but they want him to go thru an intense therapy program. He is trying to decide and I can not sway him. He asks me what he should do, and in my selfish little head I think come home, come home to us. But I say do what is best for you. Take your time and take care of yourself right now. Thats all I can say.

Last night, or early this morning our 6 year old daughter crawled into bed with me half asleep. In a groggy little voice she whispered, "Mummy I miss Daddy" And she began to whimper. And my heart broke again. And I cried.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Evil Cake

I fucked up. Yup I fucked up last night. I ate cake. Not one but two pieces of chocolate cake. Well it was for supper so 2 pcs. is ok right? I rationalized eating the cake for supper with the Bill Cosby Theory. Cake has eggs and milk and flour and butter in it. That's 3 of the food groups, right? RIGHT? I wanted to sing dad is great, he gave us chocolate cake, in between each bite. (From a Bill Cosby stand up comedy special, when he gives the kids chocolate cake for breakfast)

Evil, moist, fucking, delicious, creamy frosting chocolate cake! I was given mis-information. My little pee brain figured that, the delicious cake would some how take away my woes, and make me feel happy and content with my life. I guess my daughter forgot the ingredient responsible for "happy life" when she baked the cake. Although I think my cabinets are out of that anyway.

All the stress of the day and I thought it could be cured with cake. It's no wonder I am over weight.

Getting in touch with re-habs is no picnic for a sober person (me) never mind if an addict were trying to find help for himself. There are long waiting lists, and lots of "I'm sorry we can not help you, try this number" phone calls. But finally....finally I have found one that may be able to help.
It's a 6 day Opiate detox. Which includes medication for withdrawals, monitoring from a medical staff and counseling. Before you leave they also set you up with an outpatient program to help keep you clean.

Why am I doing this you ask? He said "I am addicted and I need help." Never before have these words come from his mouth. It was always don't worry about it I can handle this. He was in tears yesterday, wanting help. He was scared and hopeless. Beatin down by his addiction to the point where he is exhausted by it also. I believe he is sincere (at the moment), but I am not being naive either.

And all this was BEFORE I told him I can not continue on this path with him.

I don't know where we will stand after the rehab as a couple. Time will tell. All I know is that I want him better, if not for me than at least for the kids, and of course for himself.

So-So Wednesday

(GO SOX!!)

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The Faith is Gone

Ever felt betrayed by someone you love?

Ever felt stepped on by someone you love?

Ever been sick and tired of the situations they keep dragging you into?

Ever been disgusted with someone you love?

These are some of the feelings you go thru when a loved one has a drug problem. I am weary. Emotionally weary. I can no longer continue on this road with him. I have had enough. It saddens me greatly. My heartaches with unbelievable pain and at the same time I am numb. I don't know what to do. I have tried to help and support him through this. My strength is gone. My body, mind and soul are weak with exhaustion. I want to make it all go away for him, but I can not. I have to run. I have to save myself. I have to put my life back together.

I have to realize as long as I am there to pick up the pieces he will never pick them up himself. I have heard it said that addicts (drug or alcohol) have to hit rock bottom, before they can change. I think if the kids and I are gone that will be rock bottom for him. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't know if it is a chance I can take.

I feel like I am in a pit of quicksand, sinking more and more each minute. My fingers grasp for something solid to hold onto but there is nothing. I panic, I kick my legs but the baggage of his addiction is so heavy I do not have the strength to hang on. I have to cut myself loose. Save myself before its too late.

I am scared, he is part of me and I am part of him. How will I continue with only half of myself?

Sucky Tuesday

Friday, October 15, 2004

Keep the Faith

Just as I am at my wits end with the human race and society two things happened to restore my faith in life.

Number 1: I woke up yesterday morning to find a single carnation placed in a glass on my bureau. (We have had a whole bunch of carnations in a vase on the TV and they had pretty much had it, except for this one). I asked my husband if he put it there, No he did not. Asked my oldest son, was it you? No mum. Asked my oldest daughter, was it you? No mum Asked my youngest son, who is 7. He said yes mum it was me. I thanked him, gave him a kiss and told him how nice his gesture was. Later I asked what had made him take that one flower out of the wilted bunch and place it on my bureau. His reply was this: because I love you (((awwe))), and because you seemed so sad last night, I wanted you to wake up and smile this morning (((awwe x 10)))

Number 2: This am I went to drop off a video on the way to work. I pulled along side the building in the fire lane. (((Shhhhh, I know its against the law))) When I got out of my car, I noticed my front tire had stopped about 5 inches from an injured baby bird. I deposited my movie and went back to the bird. I don't know where it came from as there are no trees in that parking lot that it could have fallen out of. I tried to pick it up, and it kept wiggling out of my grasp. Finally I cupped it in between my two hands. It began to nip at my fingers but I didn't open my hands. I placed the bird on the sidewalk, close to a brick column, so it could rest. Hopefully its mother will come along or it will regain enough strength to find its way home. Thank goodness I stopped where I had.

So in light of these two events I have decided to let go of my anger and hateful feelings toward society and people in general. I am taking them as a sign from above that everything will work itself out.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Presidential Death Match

So the presidential debates are over. Hurray. Things were getting down right nasty there for a while. I was waiting for the Celebrity Death Match ( music to start.

Tonight we have the first ever Presidential Death Match.

The officials for tonight will be Michael J. Fox and Jeb Bush.

Starting our event is the match between Theresa "The Punisher" Heinz-Kerry and Laura "Lets Be Friends" Bush

The second match of the night will be a tag team event. The Bush Twins vs. The Kerry Sisters.

And our main event tonight features George "The Scowler" Bush and John "The Massachusetts Marroder" Kerry.

Pulling the strings in Bush's corner are George Bush Sr. and Dick Cheney. In Kerry's corner we have John Edwards and Ted Kennedy.

Should any of the fighters get injured tonight we have Ralph Nadar standing by to jump in and kick anyone's ass he can.

Are You Ready To Rummmmmble??

I think it would be a much more efficient and amusing use of television time.

And that's what I am all about people, amusement.

On that note, here is some ACTUAL public bathroom graffiti (courtesy of Uncle John"s Bathroom Reader):

Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol

An Elephant is a mouse drawn to government specifications

Democracy is letting the other fellow have your way

I wish I were what I was when I was trying to become what I am now

And here is a joke for you:

Two Nuns
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Eventually, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

Men just look like penguins when they move with their pants down!

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Man Trivia

I don't feel like talking about anything personal today.

So a bit of man trivia for you.

85% of all men do not use this.

It's below the belt.

Men say they do not use it because it is an inconvenience.

What is it??

The winner will receive a spectacular prize (maybe) so put your answers in comments please.

Happy Humpday!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Little South Central

This past weekend has been horrible. I have been living in a battle zone. The Pole-eece have been called to my street at least once a day for various reasons. Columbus must have been turning in his grave.

Its been like a block party in South Central. There has been a drunken, rolling over cars, name calling, bitch slapping cat fight, in which my new car was dented. Another night a female neighbor was dragged away kicking and screaming by the cops. Her male counterpart standing outside in his speedo underwear. (YUK) I have heard shouting matches that would make a sailor blush. There was even a little girl who flipped off a little boy over the Yankees/Red Sox conflict. There has been indecent exposure by a drunken, toothless fool. People smoking CRACK. People stealing from one another. Yelling, swearing, dagger eyes, you name it, my neighborhood has been a shmorgishborg of violence.

Was it a full moon?

Has everyone quit smoking at once?

Although I have been thinking about it for some time. It is definitely a priority to get my family out of this hell. I want a place where my little ones can play out in the back yard without having to be called into the house because the next door neighbor cannot control his alcohol induced turrets syndrome.

A place where I do not have to hang out the window to make sure my 18 year old gets into his car safely.

Its strange because I do not feel threatened or afraid at all when I am outside. I guess I am brave, or stupid. Maybe I have that "fuck with me, you'll be sorry" look in my eye. In my life lately I have really been feeling like I could hurt someone. Call off the guys from the rubber room. I don't mean myself or my family. I mean if something was to go down, If someone was to give me shit directly, I have this anger or frustration so large inside of me that I think I could explode. I think I could really go off on someone.

I am overwhelmed. My anger has fermented for almost 2 yrs. We have been stolen from, blamed, yelled at and looked down upon since we moved into this neighborhood. We do not belong here. We belong in a better place. Far, far away. Away from these angry, hurtful, nasty people. Before we turn into them. I can feel it creeping into my being. The uncaring "fuck you asshole" attitude. It really is a shame because that is not my personality. This is what happens, I suppose, when society pushes a person too far. They begin to push back.

Happy (Fucking) Tuesday

Friday, October 08, 2004

Inmate #5517-054

Today Martha Stewart reports to jail. WTF? She is now known as inmate #5517-054 to the federal prison system. She has to spend 5 months in a Virginia (?) prison? The world has certainly gone topsy-turvy.

The Domestic Diva? The goddess of Gardening? The Queen of Crafts? In jail?

If my friend called me and told me I was going to lose a lot of money if I didn't sell something, you bet your ass I would be selling it. Is this really a crime? Is it not fair for someone to get information before other people? Information that could save them money?What if I get my super market sale flyer before other people on my block? If I go to the store and buy all the sale items to save money is it a crime? What if the sales lady at the convenience store tells me there has not been a winner recently on scratch ticket number 10? Before we know it the feds could be haulin both our asses off to jail.

People get tips all the time. Tips on which horse or dog might win the race, tips on which team is going to win the Sunday football game, tips on which boxer may win the title.

There are so many other people in the world that should be doing time. I don't think Martha Stewart is one of them. We have crazees running around the world, people......CRAZEES.

A whole lot of tax payer's money has been spent on the trial of Martha Stewart. Maybe the government could have used that money in a better way? Lets see.......feeding the homeless? Donating the money to breast cancer research? Maybe helping out all the fatherless and motherless children the war in Iraq has created?

The human race amazes me, and not in a good way sometimes. We need to get our priorities straight and by "we" I mean our government.

Jacob Hornberger writes his opinion here:

Read it, it is eye opening.

As for me, I am going to go bake Martha a cake, with a file in it!

Happy Friday

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Your Comments Please

If anyone is reading this site BESIDES Shelibells. Please comment. I don't know you are there. I don't care what you say, good or bad.........juss holla back ya'all

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

A Pocket Guide To Sex

What does a mother do if she finds "A pocket Guide to Sex" book in her 18 year old son's room? Why confiscate it of course.

I not only confiscated it, I am reading it! I am learning things I never knew. There are lots and lots of pictures and graphs......who knew sex was such a technical thing?

I think I will write comments in red pen as I read thru it. Comments like:

Don't rush into a sexual relationship.

I do NOT want to be a grandmother.

Son's GF, does your mother know about this?

This better not be going in my house.

Protection is important.

Shouldn't you be playing video games or skateboarding?

Oh my goodness, I never knew that! (with an arrow pointing toward a picture)

Now THAT is not a good idea. (another arrow, another picture)

Do you think my comments will just ruin it for him? I wish I could see him turn red when he sees them.

I wonder if he has realized it's missing yet.

What will he do when he does?

Mum have you seen my "Pocket Guide to Sex"?

My son didn't like school BUT he is studying now!

Kids........(not anymore)

Happy Thursday!

Things I am Wondering This Morning

I am wondering if John Kerry is afraid. Not afraid that he will lose the presidential election. Afraid that he has pissed off Dubya. I would be. Dubya has access to EVERYTHING.

Dubya's Henchman: "To up date you, Mr. President, we have just about accomplished your list. Yesterday we wiped out John Kerry's bank account, cancelled all his credit cards, revoked his drivers license, and put a warrant out for his arrest. We have successfully placed his finger prints at the scene of a major homicide. We are just waiting for the photo-shopped picture of Senator Kerry having cocktails with Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. We will release it to the media as soon as possible."

Then again, Theresa Heinz-Kerry, is no one to mess with either, I think she could kick Dubya's ass.

I am wondering why the anonymous man parked his truck in the middle of the empty parking lot and walked across the street, then across the baseball fields, then across the second street to the houses. And also why he kept looking back at me. He was clearly nervous. Listen dude, I am just applying my make-up. You are clearly a cheater, but I am not following you for your wife. Two big, hairy, illiterate men will NOT jump out of my car and beat you senseless and drag your limp bloody body back to your wife so she can kick you in the balls. Even though you deserve it.

I am wondering why in the hell I have flip-flops on this morning. Dam its cold out, I have toe-sicles. Silly me.

I am wondering why my crotchety old-lady neighbor was giving me dirty looks while walking her dog this AM. It's not my garbage thats busted open in front of your dam gate bitch! But ya know, if it's there when I get home from work, I will clean it because my family has to use that sidewalk and my children should not have to see trash all over the place. See...I am not a bad person, so stop hating me.

I am wondering where my new neighbor 2 houses over is from. They seem so nice. I think the little boy said Canada, but I am not sure. All I know is my children love them. They clearly, like my family, do not belong in this neighborhood.

I am wondering why my kids fib to me. Sometimes the things that come out of there mouths, are so NOT believable. Last night my daughter was trying to make an excuse for something.(sorry I am experiencing brain trots this AM and can not remember what the conversation was about) As the words left her mouth, I thought, "oh no she DID NOT just say that"((insert neck wiggle here)). My left eyebrow raised and she said, "OK so thats not the truth". And we laughed hysterically for 5 minutes. It was better than fighting.

I am wondering why my father did not remember by 2 girl's birthdays. For some reason this is really bothering me. I can not let go of it. Maybe it is because I have received an invite to his son's birthday party. I want to call him and yell, "What kind of grandfather are you?" Then again what do I expect looking at his track record as a father. Why can't I be a Perry?

What are you wondering today?

Happy Wednesday!

Friday, October 01, 2004


Well I had an entry all set after last nights presidential debate, but this morning was crazeeee. So let me tell a little story.

My local Funkin Gonuts has a logistics problem. The brain surgeon that planned out the plaza parking lot...well.....lets say......he was fired and is now working at DickDonalds......washing the floor.

So if cars form a drive thru line, the line blocks the entrance to the parking lot. Hence the 3rd person in the drive thru line must leave a space for in and out traffic. Things have gotten so chaotic that the owners have had to hire security to watch the drive thru line. Well almost every morning a brain dead driver will zoom into the parking lot and pull right up to the speaker. This morning was no different.

The line was at least 8 cars long. That is 8 drivers, who are tired after a long week of work, 8 drivers who desperately want their coffee, 8 drivers who are gonna kick some ass if you go an insert yourself into the line were you do not belong.

So, in zooms a black truck...right up to the speaker. The car horns blare. Each horn representing a different four letter word for the line cutter. Well, as if this is not bad enough....zoom here comes a green car pulled right in back of the black truck. More horns, constant beeping. The security guard was no where to be found. I say to myself.....OH, HELL right hand acts on its own and put the car into park. Before I realize it I am out of my fellow coffee addicts shouting "you go girl" and other inspiring things. Luckily the manager came out and told the green car that he had just gotten in front of a long line of cars. The man looked back horrified at all of our scowling faces and drove off. He didn't even got to the back of the line, just disappeared out of the parking lot. Probably a good idea since the girls at the window, by rights, should have spit in his coffee. Afterall he did piss off all the regulars . And pissed off regulars usually don't tip well.

Lets take this one step further. Bobby Jean (not her real name) at the window doesn't make good tips this morning because of the cutter. (Some background info on Bobby Jean, she is a recovering drug addict and reformed prostitute who just 2 months ago got custody of her 2 children back from the state) Because she does not make enough in tips she can not pay all of the rent she promised the landlord this afternoon or buy food for her children to get them thru the weekend. The landlord threatens eviction if she does not come up with the balance of the rent by tomorrow. Faced with the fact that she and her children could become homeless she hits the streets, prostituting herself to make ends meet. She gets picked up by a man with a warped mental state. Her children never see her again. Back into state custody they go to live their little lives jumping from foster home to foster home until they each become so frustrated they run away and begin lives on the streets themselves.

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? You line cutter? Because of your selfish, non caring bad judgment you have killed a mother and ruined the lives of her children! You selfish son of a bitch! I hope your coffee tasted like shit this morning and I hope everytime you get a coffee you think about poor Bobby Jean and her children.

The moral of this story: Make your decisions carefully as you never know how they will affect another human being.

Happy Friday!

PS I may be having some anger management issues this morning....ya think?