Monday, October 25, 2004

My Big Fat Obnoxious Life

Hey Ya'all! I know its been a while. Things are upside down in my big fat obnoxious life right now.

It took 3 days of phone calls, trips to various doctors and multiple insurance authorizations but on Friday night I dropped him off at a detox/rehab. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was hard to say goodbye. I could not show my heartache and sadness because my pain would have caused him to hop back in the car to come home. Instead I stood strong, like a trooper, I assured him that we would be ok while he was gone. I told him I could handle everything, don't worry about anything I said, just take care of you and get better. I said I love you and I left.

And I cried. I cried almost all the way home from a strange place, in a strange city, on the dark highway, I cried and cried and cried.

I have spoken to him on the phone and each time he sounds a little better. A little stronger, and a little less depressed. He has medication that is helping him thru the withdrawals, medication to help him sleep at night and medication for the depression. He goes to several one on one counseling sessions a day and many meetings on various drug abuse related topics. But he hates it there. He hates being away from us. He hates the loss of freedom, he hates the food. The only thing he does like is the bed. Its a craftmatic ajustable, last night I joked that I will never see him again now that he has a craftmatic adjustable bed. And we laughed and laughed. It was good to laugh with him. Its been a long time since we shared a real laugh.

I miss him, god I miss him so much. I am strong on the phone, I tell him everything is ok, the kids are being good (which they really are) and that I am ok. But I am not. I am so sad and lonely and alone. Some times I have to say, "can you hold on a minute?", so I can try to relax and swallow down the tears. When I get off the phone with him I lock myself in my room and cry until I can not cry anymore. Then I unlock the door, put on a smile for the kids and keep going. This is hard. I know that this is THE BEST thing for him. I know it is the BEST thing for all of us. But right now its hell.

I don't know maybe I am being overly dramatic although it doesn't feel like it in my heart and head.

We don't know how much longer he will be staying. Maybe 3, maybe 5 more days? Maybe longer. Ultimately it is up to him. His counselor is urging him to stay for another week. The detox will be over but they want him to go thru an intense therapy program. He is trying to decide and I can not sway him. He asks me what he should do, and in my selfish little head I think come home, come home to us. But I say do what is best for you. Take your time and take care of yourself right now. Thats all I can say.

Last night, or early this morning our 6 year old daughter crawled into bed with me half asleep. In a groggy little voice she whispered, "Mummy I miss Daddy" And she began to whimper. And my heart broke again. And I cried.


Blogger Michael Moore said...

You are carrying on the fine tradition of being a strong mommy, and there is no one I respect more in the world right now than you.

Stay strong sissychong. The internets are rooting for you. :-D

10:13 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

As much as it hurts like hell right now you are doing the rigght thing by putting on a strong face and your husband is doign the right thing as well. He should stay as long as he needs to; he will be better for it and you will all be stronger because of it. Of course you know this and it doesn't make any of it any easier. Hang in there.

12:59 PM  
Blogger Stellina said...

Yesss... it's best to let him decide how long to stay. If you ever want to get a coffee, I'm right here. Drop me an e-mail and we can be Dunkin Donuts friends. :)

4:00 PM  
Blogger Sissychong said...

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes!

8:11 AM  

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