Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Living on Hope

The struggle continues. I miss the man I fell in love with 10 years ago. I get fleeting glances of him sometimes, but then he is gone.

He has started methodone maintenance treatment. I guess this is good. But I am sad. He goes to the clinic everyday to get his dose. He said that the methodone will help repair the damage done to pain receptors in his brain, while taking care of cravings to use.

He can not remember anything. I tell him something and the next day he can't remember the conversation. I keep track of his appointments and remind him every day, where to go and what time to be there. He is easily overwhelmed. It's very frustrating for me. I feel as if I have gained another child.

I reassure him that everything will be ok. We will work everything out. One day at a time. And I feel like lier, because I don't know if this is true. I don't know if evrything will work out. I don't know if our family will ever be "OK" after this.

He is so thin and pale. At night when he is tired, he practically falls asleep standing up. One night he was out of bed for a while, so I went to check on him. He was asleep, on the kitchen counter. Well his torso was on the counter, his legs were still vertical. I worry about him. I wonder if one day he will be gone. Leaving me to deal with everything alone.

I am short on patients and trying very hard not to take my worries and frustrations out on him. But lets face it, he has caused 90% of these worries. It makes me mad. Mad at him. Mad at the world. Mad at life. Mad at myself.

Recovery will be long. He will deal with this addiction everyday probably for the rest of his life. Much like a reformed smoker he will still get a craving now and again. I don't know if I have the strength in me. I have always been the "grin and bare it, get done what has to be done" kind of person. But lately, I am slipping into a depression. I just want to curl up under a warm blanket and sleep. In my dreams I am happy. I dream of when we first met. I dream of the smile on his face when our son and daughter were born. I dream of the day we were married. And then I wake up. And I am sad.

Sometimes I feel him twitch in his sleep from withdrawals. Sometimes I wake up because he is soaked from night sweats. He has aches and pains in his joints. Sometimes I have to help him get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I feel so selfish because I just want to run away.

But then he will smile, what I call "my smile". Big and bright encompassing his whole face. AT that moment I see the man he was, and I have hope.


Blogger shellibells said...

Great post...lost of emotions! Luv it!
Keep up the good work. You know you can count on me if you need anything or if you just need to talk. I am here for ya sistachong! Keep on pluggin and you are right, take one day at a time and smile often!
You are his backbone when his is weak...and vice versa. You have to pull eachother along in your weak times. Take care of eachother and work for what you want! You can dooo eeeet!!!

3:21 PM  
Blogger Cece said...

Oh dear. Have you tried taking care of you a bit too? You still love him and that is so precious. That you can still feel his big smile. Beautiful words...
You ARE strong. Tired, I know. But oh so strong.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

As you said it will be a long road. Make sure you take time, a little each and some each week to retreat and take care of YOU! You are a strong woman who seems to be taking care of everything right now. Don't forget to take care of the most important person.

3:53 PM  
Blogger muse said...

Quoted from your entry:
"I have always been the "grin and bare it, get done what has to be done" kind of person"

I was browsing blogs randomly and I found yours by chance, and it looks like we're going through something similar. My husband is an alcoholic/addict/gambler (though he hasn't touched a drop of booze in 14 years... and hadn't touched drugs either until a big 2-day coke binge 3 weeks ago). He's seeking therapy and we're also going through marriage counseling, but right at this point I don't have much hope, as he seems focused on getting back to how things were before between us (which wasn't healthy, as I've finally gotten to realize). Anyway, I'm also of the "work hard, do the right thing" ilk, so I understand. *big hugs*

2:39 PM  
Blogger muse said...

Hi, I just finished reading this book, and I think it might be helpful to you too:

"Marriage on the rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic" (by Janet Geringer Woititz)

I've posted some initial comments about my impressions on my blog today, but you can also check it out on Amazon (see customer comments). Very easy to read, very insightful, very useful!

9:09 PM  

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