Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Nothing is Fixed

Some how I thought when he came home, everything would be wonderful. He would be fixed. I would be fixed. WE would be fixed.

I thought when he left the facility, it would be over. However, the facility was just one small step on the road to recovery. I know now that the struggle is just beginning. For him and for me.

In my opinion he came home too soon. He surprised us Friday night when he walked in the door. Of course the kids were VERY happy to see him. They showered him with hugs and kisses, asking how his trip to visit Uncle Charlie was. I was happy to see him BUT this was overshadowed by my doubt that he was ready to be here. And the fact that he made this decision with out my knowledge or input did nothing to quell my fears. Nothing had been set up for his out patient recovery.

Working thru the maze of phone calls to be made, has proven frustrating for him. We make appointments for a week down the road, when he really needs to see doctors NOW. Just 2 minutes ago, I got a phone call canceling an appointment that is supposed to begin in 20 minutes. It is an important appointment. Someone is out sick and they can not take him. Simple as that. Someone is out sick? Do they know that this disappointment could send him back into the arms of the devil? Don't they understand that he is at a critical stage in his recovery?

He has been out of the facility and with out the dose of methodone for 4 days now. The withdrawal symptoms have started. He did do something last night that gave me hope for the future. He was irritable last night due to the withdrawal. He was craving. He dug out his weights and began lifting. He said this will be his focus shifter. When he craves, he will lift. It will distract his mind and tire his body. I think this is a good plan. He used to lift 4 or 5 times a week before the addiction. It was inspiring to see him do something that he used to love.

I am having a hard time trusting him. I keep wondering what's around the next corner. Will he use? Will he lie about it? I wish I could surround him with a force field to protect him. How can I protect him from himself? I have to have faith, in him and it is hard.

I told him I was thinking of going to a support group for loved ones of addicts. (al-anon?) He didn't understand why I needed that. He said I was not that bad. I did not steal from my family or anyone else to feed my addiction. I did not hurt you or the kids physically. I never took away from you for it. On one hand he didn't. On the other hand he did. I explained my feelings to him.

I have watched you hurt yourself for 2 years. At first I thought, and you reassured me that the pill taking was just a social thing. And it probably was. But at some point it changed from a want to a need. At that point I still didn't believe it. And you told me not to worry. You said things like "I am not a drug addict", "stop worrying, I can handle this", "I am in control, I can stop anytime I want to", and I believed you, heck you believed yourself. But the addiction continued to grow. And so did the aches and pains. You began to not feel well. The tooth aches and the back pain you complained about. I watched you suffer through pain and I was torn. Watch you struggle with pain or watch you take pills to feel better, which was worse? I still do not know. The only thing that could make you feel better was the pills. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. So many times I voiced my concerns and at times you made me feel like I was insane. I started to not trust my own judgment. Was I right?, Was I wrong? Oh and the number of times I heard, "I just need a couple of pills to wean myself off of them" was unbelievable. At first when you said that I was relieved, FINALLY I thought. But time and time again it did not stop with the couple of pills. Everytime I heard that phrase I became less and less relieved until your words meant nothing. I remember asking you if you knew how many times I had heard that before. It was like a slap in the face to you, I could see it in your eyes. I told you never to tell me that again. I was torn, I wanted to help you and at the same time I wanted to run from you. I cried and begged you to stop, for you, for me, for the kids. By this time you were no longer in control. The addiction had taken over. I don't remember exactly what made you go into detox. I had not threatened to leave you, even though I had thought it a millions times. Something clicked for you, and you cried. You told me you were scared, and in a tiny little voice on the phone you said, "I need help". Those three words were the best words I had heard in so long.

Now I need to heal as much as he does. I need people to talk to, that have been thru it with someone they love. I need to know I am not alone and that it is possible to put this behind us.

He never knew that his addiction affected me like this, he was sad and apologetic. I told him not to dwell on it. It's a waste of energy at this point. Focus on where you want to be in the future and lets get there together.

Happy Tuesday!


Blogger Stellina said...

I'm telling you. Friday night go to Grace Episcopal Church on County street. The meeting is in the back at 7:00. The people are so wonderful. I love going. You can go in by School street or go to the parking lot in the back, top of the handicapped ramp. I won't be there for 2 weeks cause of Disney. E-mail me.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Dgn said...

I heard recently that such groups can be great help for the loved ones (you, srry for the crappy english :p)

I wish you both much Strength in times to come!
I hope you get trough this and reading your blogger entry I am for some unknown reason confident you will :)

7:36 PM  

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