Monday, November 29, 2004

Shit

Warning: If swear words, especially the word FUCK, psychosis, feeling sorry for ones self or just plain patheticness offends you, please do not read the following post. The following thoughts were experienced when I was EXTREMELY angry, and do not necessarily reflect my every day feelings or thoughts. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

My life is full of shit. Nothing but fucking shit. Everywhere I turn. Every single aspect of my life is full of grief and aggravation. Never joy. Never any fuckin joy. I can not take it anymore, this has got to end. The never ending shit. The money, the kids, the stress it's driving me crazy. Shit River flowing gracefully down from Shit mountain, at the bottom of which lays Shit Lake located in Shitsville, U-S fucking A.

Oh, how I long for a normal life. A good life. A Life lived shit free. To come and go and do what ever you want with out worrying about money. I mean not rich. NOOOO- I am not greedy. I don't need servants or five hundred dollar sunglasses. Just enough to live well. Enough to be able to pay the bills, buy a few things, maybe be able to take a vacation every couple of years. Ya know? What The Fuck?!

And a family? Oh a family that gives a shit would be nice. Maybe a mother that treats you equally to your brother? And a father that would actually CALL you to let you know your grandfather was in the hospital? A brother who doesn't talk down to your kids, like his are fucking angels? (I think not) Didn't we have the same parents? Didn't we grow up in the same fucking house? Where the hell did he get that fucking high horse?

What the fuck did I ever do? I am a nice person. I try to be open minded and not judge others. Fate hates me. Is it fate? Is it god? Is it the devil? Who is it that hates me so much that I must be tortured every fucking day, every fucking hour, every minute of my life?

Oh I have some joy in my life. I am convinced that it is dangled in front of me like bait, when I am pushed beyond my limits. When my soul is ready to give up and say fuck it. Fuck it all, I am outta here. When I feel this way, *boom*, something good will happen. I will think well ALRIGHT, finally things are turning around. Woo hoo happiness here I come. Then a hideous laugh and I watch as the happy, bright landscape fades into a slimey, brown sludge. It develops and unfolds over and over again. Until I get to that last, lonely thread that keeps me hanging on. When I am at the edge again and every thought is I don't care, fuck it, here comes the dangling of the fucking joy again. Then hope begins to creep into my thoughts. Stoopid fucking hope. Hope you are naive and you suck! You fucking SUCK. You useless waste of thought Hope? Pfft. What's the sense.

I want to know who's idea of a sick fucking joke this life is anyway? Jesus H. Christ how much can one fucking person take? Constantly pelted and pummelled by shit? Beating, bruising, emotionally draining, shit. Maybe it's me. I blame everyone else but maybe it's me. Maybe I am the bad seed, the black sheep. I have joked about being the black sheep for years, but am I really the bad luck black sheep?

Maybe I need spirituality. Maybe I am being punished for not being spiritual? I wish I knew. I wish I could be at peace, instead of constant conflict. Razor sharp, metal teeth nashing conflict. I feel like Gulliver when he was tied down by the little people. (the Lily-p-u-tions) Unable to move or breath, helpless, hopeless.

I am always one step behind happiness, never actually catching up with it. Always thinking, if I can just get thru this crisis everything will be ok. But it never is. It's like that stoopid joke you play on your friend, you know the one where they are about to grab the car door and you hit the gas and move forward to leave them standing there like a dork?

That's me grabbing the door handle, and happiness is driving the car.

Maybe I need a medication adjustment.

(Spell check kept trying to get to me to replace the word FUCK with the word FUJI....every single time, for some reason I find this hilarious, I know I am Fuji'd)


6 Comments:

Blogger Cece said...

Damn. You feel my pain and THEN some. After my fantabulous shitty weekend, I got to watch Paris and Nicky Hilton drop thousands of dollars on stupid shit when I can't even afford to get my truck fixed. Damn that E! Entertainment Network!
But...we gotta remember to focus on the good. Healthy kids...a roof over our head...whatever it is that we have that thousands of others don't have. So next time youre buying McDonald's for dinner, pretend youre Paris Hilton and remember the little people who can't afford that Chicken Tender meal. Heh.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Sissychong said...

Dam that Paris and Nicky Hilton. Rich beyotches!

4:31 PM  
Blogger Roberto Campana said...

yeah, they got money, but they ain't got common sense. so be happy you have that, and that your alive. i'm not going to say i know how u feel, because honestly i don't. but whatever possible thing you have to hold on too, whether it even be the negative, hang on to it. if life sucks and always gives you nothing but crap, then be happy about it. embrace your crap, love it. because if you have to deal with all this, and your still kicking and your still there, then your badass. your alive and well, and your taking care of your own. that's all that matters. in the words of joe dirt "you gotta keep on keeping on." "Life's a garden, dig it?" Keep on Trucking. When life gives you lemons, screw the lemonade and throw them as hard as you can at the people you don't like. :)

11:49 AM  
Blogger Sissychong said...

Good Advice. My new Mantra, I am badass, I embrace my shit, I love my shit!

1:35 PM  
Blogger Roberto Campana said...

there you go! just dont say that too loud, you'll scare the children and people will start to point. :)

2:22 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Ahh I have been away from your blog too long. So many things you mention in this post echo true to me:
To come and go and do what ever you want with out worrying about money. I mean not rich. NOOOO- I am not greedy. I don't need servants or five hundred dollar sunglasses. Just enough to live well. and I am always one step behind happiness, never actually catching up with it. Always thinking, if I can just get thru this crisis everything will be ok. But it never is. These are the comments that I have felt forever but have never been able to articulate as well as you have in this post.

There has to be reason behind it all - somewhere, somehow - at least we need to tell ourselves that; believe it even as a sanity check. Hang tough girl our day will come (another thing I keep telling myself!) I DO find that Oreos always help!

6:30 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home