Tuesday, April 19, 2005

CRACK-fo-mercials

Can we talk for a moment about infomercials?

Great, thank you.

I am drawn to infomercial products, like a moth to a flame. Each and every infomercial I see, I want that product. As I am watching the infomercial, my brain is wizzing along, "oh I could do this and that and make this and fix that and....", you get the idea. I just know, that particular product, is going to simplify my life beyond belief. If I just had Yoga Booty Ballet I could be thin, and if I had the scunci steamer, my husband would never have to wear a wrinkled shirt again. It doesn't help that I am either half asleep or half awake when I surf into these infomercials. My half whatever brain, thinks it is smart and can coerse my half awake fingers into dialing for these items before I fully awakened. Let me say it now, I have actually never ordered and infomercial product, but I have come close. I have, however, had the phone AND the debit card in hand! Since then I have had to implement the "Sissy's 24 Hour Rule" for infomercial ordering. This, in short, is when I allow myself to write down the phone number, but I then have to wait 24 hours before I order. If the need is as great in 24 hours, then I will be free to purchase the wonder-product with out guilt. If not, (and so far) then I don't.

Oh don't get me wrong, I see through their exaggerations and hype. I even ridicule infomercials aloud, but in the back of my head, this little itty peice of my niave brain trys to take hold of the situation.

Sissy's Mouth: Shut up Daisy with your windsor pilates, you have always been thin you bitch!

Sissy's Brain on Infomercial Crack: Hey fingers, if we had Winsor Pilates, we could be tone and beautiful, just like Daisy Fuentes, I bet it would even tan our skin like hers, if we did it in the sun.

Sissy's Mouth: Oh my gosh, the magic bullet is just a stupid min-blender in disguise!

Sissy's Brain on Infomercial Crack: Hey fingers, if we had the magic bullet, just think of all the wonderful drinks and homemade salsas we could make for our friends and family. And in less than a minute! How cool is that?

Sissy's Mouth: Oh Jack, please it is darn time you retired dude.

Sissy's Brain on Infomercial Crack: Hey fingers, if we had Jack Lelaines juicer, well then we could be so very healthy drinking all of those delicious fruit and vegetable drinks with all the antioxidants that will ward off colds and allow us to live to a ripe old age of one hundred and two, like Jack has. And we could trick the kids into drinking their daily requirement of fruits and vegetables, there by earning us the Mother of the Year award.

Sissy's Mouth: Jeeze Tony, holy mother of all that is sweaty must you yell, sooo much?

Sissy's Brain on Infomercial Crack: Hey fingers, look at those healthy, fit people. You do know that the buns have been longing to look like that right? All we have to do is get that Gazelle, ok?

And so it goes, my struggle....dam you infomercial producers and your crack!

6 Comments:

Blogger Michael Moore said...

I want a juicer. Want to move to worcester and go halves on one? I think I'd drink alot of papaya/carrot juice. Because, its delicious if its on TV.

and wtf is with using parsley in drinks?

4:50 PM  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

First of all... if I don't get the Grip-N-Flip, Scoop-N-Strain set I WILL DIE! Second of all, we all know that the world's supply of crack is in Girl Scout cookies. Maybe the people in infommercials are hypnotists! But isn't it nice to have something to do in the middle of the night?

10:06 PM  
Blogger madmanan said...

lmao... infomercials are GREAT!

have you ever been to a "As Seen on TV" store?

10:08 AM  
Blogger shellibells said...

OHHHH we just went to the "as seen on tv" store in the mall last week. KD wanted EVERYTHING...

10:24 AM  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Girl I LOVE them TOO! Love them. Mr. Pissy catches me watching them and makes total fun of me but I don't care. I don't order the shit but GOD sometimes I want to sooo bad!

1:37 PM  
Blogger The Merry Widow said...

I am absolutely convinced that if I buy the hair straitener thingy, that can totally straighten hair in MINUTES then I will instantly find the man of my dreams. Who knew that true love was found in just 3 easy payments of $19.99!!!

1:17 AM  

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