Friday, April 15, 2005

I AM THE BUG

CAUTION: MUCH WHINING AHEAD

Ya know that song that says, "sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug"? Well, I am the bug. Things at Casa de Sissychong have not been going well lately. Hubby chong has been decreasing his "medicine" and he has been miserable with a capital, UGH! I don't mean to blame him for my troubles, but, pfft, I don't know who else to blame. Certainly not myself. How could that possibly be? Why would I make myself miserable? Right......

To him it's me and to me it's him, and to the kids, well I don't know they think we are both nuts I suppose. Not that we are yelling and screaming because we are not. He has been distant and I can not handle it anymore. I have been extra sensitive and emotional and he can not handle it anymore.

My first instinct is to cut off the problem. Ya know just cut it off an get rid of it. Run away, run, run away. Leave it behind. Stuff it way down inside where no one can see the pain. Stomp on it's ass. One problem with this is that I have a hard time giving up and admitting defeat. Another problem is that I LOVE HIS CRANKY ASS. The third problem is that I can not really pin point the problem. The real problem. Maybe if I can understand the real problem then I can fix it. Oh yea baby I am a fixer. I feel I need to fix everything. Yea, I am niave like that. I think I can fix everything for everybody and make the world a happy place, now everybody hold hands and sway in unison please. The problem with this is that I can not fix everything for everyone. I need to realize this and to accept it. Yea, that's it accept it. I guess I have realized it, now I need to accept it. I need him to fix his own troubles and I need to fix mine. I need to stop cushioning him from the world.

Some people would say it might be a good idea to seperate and each work on ourselves. If we are meant to get back together than we will work it out. On one hand I agree. On the other hand, it feels like giving up. Giving up is bad, giving up is weak. I don't like giving up. I don't want to be alone. I am afraid to be alone because I think I may hate it or I may love it. I may never want to get back together. Not because I don't love him, just because I feel I would have less stress and frustration, and that might feel good for a change. I would feel bad about feeling good. Yes, I am an onion, many, many layers.

On another hand (what is this like the fifth hand or some shit?) I feel like this: ok I have been with this man for 11 years. We have had our ups and downs like every couple. The past 2 years have been really hard. I have stuck by him threw his addiction, threw his rehab, and so far thru his recovery. We have come thru a lot of shit over the years and have always been able to get thru it. I feel like I have paid my dues. I have equity in this relationship per say. If we seperate I will get the shit end of the stick. I have all the responsibility and he will have all of the fun. He will be free to do as he pleases. And my life will go on as usual, work and kids and house cleaning etc. And I will be struggling even more to make ends meet. I may even need to get a second job. I would never see my kids. THAT'S NOT FAIR. Why the hell should I struggle? While he goes off an has a jolly time?...oh hell no, he is not getting off that easy. And then, when he is better and back to being the man I met and fell in love with again, he will be with someone else! All of my standing by him will end up being for someone elses benefit. WTF?

And me I will still be alone, because who would want a 37 year old divorcee x 2 with 3 kids living at home and another on his own? No man in his right mind, is the answer to that question. Not that I really care becasue the thought of another relationship makes my stomach turn. I have seen it so many times before. "The marriage ends, the man gets remarried and has another life, with a home and a white picket fence and the women is stuck struggling with the kids and never has anything until the day she dies. I have seen it happen with my mother and father, with aunts and uncles, with parents of my oldest daughters friends. This situation was thrust in my face just this past weekend, I brought my daughter to her friend's father's house. A nice place in the country, 3 nice cars in the driveway, and addition being built....nice. I have also dropped my daughter off at the same friend's house where she and her siblings live with their mother, in a housing project, and their car? An old looking, rusty, loud mufflered mini-van. Why? Because the mother has to struggle for everyday things for her and the kids. While the father, is having a jolly ole life. I'm am not going down like that. Don't get me wrong, I am not being a snob or anything. Believe me when I say I have been there and done that. If I had to do it again I would, but why should I? Why the hell should I struggle? I have struggled enough dam it.

I know, I know, I need counseling and very strong valiums.

Happy Fucked Up Friday!

9 Comments:

Blogger muse said...

I'm working almost 20 hour days this week, so can't write much yet (rushing Sat-Sun too, maybe I'll be free Monday??), but I just wanted to say I hear you!! Your train of thought is exactly what I'm thinking about too, you're writing stuff that I'd write if only I had time!

I hear you, I think about you, and I'm sending you good vibes!

10:05 AM  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

I wish I had comforting words, but it's like my grandma always said.. sometimes life is just a crapfest. Okay, that's a lie. My grandma never said that. But she would have. ANYWAY... maybe you and Shelli need to live together and raise your kids in some kind of pseudo-lesbian-but-not commune kinda environment. They'll grow up crazy, of course - but at least you'll have company.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

PS - Thanks for giving me something to do with my day... besides work.

11:03 AM  
Blogger shellibells said...

This is one of the great reasons why people cheat!
I don't condone it, however I do think if you are not happy and you don't want to be "not happy" then something must be done to make you "happy". If you can't do it together, then you need to do it alone!

PS. I'd rather be happy and broke than miserable and financially comfortable.

11:56 AM  
Blogger muse said...

LOL @ the "pseudo-lesbian-but-not commune kinda environment"! ;)

Good idea charlotte!

If you gals take co-pseudo-lesbian-but-not applications, this translator with a booming business, cats, tons of books and DVDs, non-smoker, just a tad eccentric, would be happy to join! LOL

1:45 PM  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Damn. I was so confused when I read your post. I had to go back and read everything that you typed in the past and all I have to say is that you are one strong motherfucking woman SissyChong. I am floored right now. Reading your story was touching. I am sorry you are going through this. I had no idea. We are here for you girl. Big PISSY HUG to you!

9:34 PM  
Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Sometimes a little emotional distance can be a good thing. It sounds like you both need some time to discover who you are NOW and where the path is taking you.

Just relax, easy to say I know...

9:47 AM  
Blogger The Merry Widow said...

Wow. I don't even know what to type here because I'm sure that what I have to say isn't going to help. But I do know that you are a strong strong person, having been through all of this and still finding the time to write about it. A lot of people wouldn't have even made it this far.

12:44 AM  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

sweety...i've been there. It was hard as hell. I did it though. I thought those same damn thoughts. I hated the fact that he was going to be mister happy go lucky and i was going to suffer. The next lady will have gotten the man that I waited around for, the guy who fixed himself and is all great.

Crash Test Dummy speaking: I fixed myself. I had my highs and oh dear god did I hit my lows. I swore I would be in an apartment forever and I hated all the people he dated because they didn't see the 'real' him!

but then something happened. I stopped giving a shit. The anger I thought I had let go, really left me.

and then I found Shaun.

*hug* good luck my friend.

2:23 PM  

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