Monday, May 02, 2005

Dooced

I used to feel safe here. This was a place where I could write my thoughts, my pain, my joys. This was a place where I could be totally honest with myself. Sometimes you can think things to yourself, but are not ready or feel it will do more damage than good, to tell the person that is involved with you in the situation. Did that sentence make sense? I don't know I had to re-read it 3 times before I was done. What I mean is, maybe I should be specific here, my husband and I are going thru some trying times. This is no secret to all of you. It is no secret to me or to him. Sometimes frustrations build up. I needed someplace to let out my frustrations. I didn't want to unload on him, because I felt and still feel that he is going thru too much to pile more on top of him. But I knew that I could no longer keep eveything inside of me. I could not talk to family or friends, they just wouldn't understand. Plus there is the judgemental issue. I know my family would judge and that is not their place. Nor will I allow then to pass judgement on my husband. My family seems to think that they are up on a pedastal or something, but that is another story all together. So I began to write here. It was like therapy for me. Instead of going to a therapist and sharing my problems, I came here, to all of you. I got encouragement and understanding, and some of you even went thru or were going thru a similar situation. You gave me your incite and even when you didn't know what to say, you gave me a virtual pat on the back and let me know that everything was going to be ok. See, that is the great thing about blogging (sometimes), you can be open and honest and you don't have to worry about someone in your real life looking down on you or getting the wrong idea. It's all peaches and cream until you get "Dooced".

Yes, I got Dooced. Someone that knows me read my husband at least one of my entries here, "I Am The Bug". I re-read that entry, just before I began this post. I thought about how hurtful those words probably were to my husband when he heard them. I feel horrible that he heard these things. I feel horrible that the thoughts that I did not want to share with him, were shared.
Do I want to leave my husband? NO. Do I love my husband? YES. Did I have those thoughts I wrote down? YES. Do I plan to act on them? NO. As soon as I type them here, they are gone, out of my head. And my head feels better. Make no mistake, I want to grow old with the man I am married to. I love him. I love him like I have never loved another. I can picture us in our rocking chairs on our porch at sunset, holding hands and watching our grandchildren running around our back yard.

Have any of you ever said things out of utter frustration and depression? Things that you probably would not be thinking if you were, say, sipping ice tea on a hammock on a sunny day? Things you may feel when you are frustrated but do not really want or believe or intend to do when you are not frustrated. Like you are frustrated at something, and you say, "I can not take this any more". Does that mean that you really can not take "this" anymore? It could. Most times it is just a way to vent and to let go of some of the frustration you are feeling at that moment, right?

I don't know what I expected. This is the internet for god's sake. Millions of people could hypothetically read my words and I knew this when I began typing. I guess I should have realized that there was the very real possibility that my words would circle back to bite me in the ass. And they have. It seems to me at one point or another every blogger is Dooced. Luckily for me, I didn't lose my best freind and soul mate or my job because of my blog. Part of me feels like I should be mad. And I was for a little while. But for some reason I am not mad anymore. I know my Doocer, did not do this to cause problems. I am just sad that I hurt my husbands feelings trying to vent my own frustrations.

The thing that sux is I feel I can not be open and honest here anymore. I feel I have to sensor my words. I have, as every Dooced blogger does, thought about ending my blog. But as you all know, I have a problem with giving up. So I don't know what I will do. Sleep on it I guess.

And to top it all off, I lost my keys! I do not lose things. I mean sure the inevitable lost socks, and every once in a while I forget a kid somewhere (KIDDING) but not important stuff, like my remote start and my work keys. Keep ya fingers crossed that I find them, or I am going to have to crawl with my taile between my legs and tell my boss. YUK!

Happy Just Monday!

10 Comments:

Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Awww..Sissychong. I am sorry that it got out but please don't go away! We LUV YOU!

12:12 PM  
Blogger muse said...

The person who "outed" you is a real worm (I'm keeping my more colourful vocabulary in check here). What the hell where they thinking, that revealing this would be helpful? For crying out loud, writing and getting feeback is therapeutic, and you took great care in staying anonymous, there's a reason for it! What a jerk!!! Sharing someone's blog address with someone they know without having the blogger's permission is a huge violation of trust. Grrr!!!

I'd suggest starting another blog and sharing that addie only with people that you trust, if you want to keep blogging, or try Live Journal, they give you the option of making certain posts private or only visible to friends.

*big, warm hugs*

You're a great woman Sissy, and if writing helps you to get through a very, very hard situation, then you're all wiser for realizing this and using this tool to sort out and articulate your own thoughts and feelings, and trying to deal with all this. You're trying to do what's best for all of your family!

1:04 PM  
Blogger muse said...

P.S. As you know I am going through a similar situation, and I understand only too well how hard it is to deal with everything and with a judgemental family (and some friends too). It's like you're being attacked from all sides, and have to defend/justify yourself all the time, all the while not being able to really just be open and honest with your feelings anywhere, because you feel like you always have to protect someone (the partner, yourself, your family, etc.) from being judged/having too much to deal with. Blogging is incredibly helpful to me!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

Mondays are just a crap fest. But hold on - Tuesday's coming. I will now sacrifice a Cheeto in hopes that you find your keys and regain your trust in the blogosphere. (Sorry. A Cheeto is all I have near me.. but it's the thought that counts, right?)

1:19 PM  
Blogger shellibells said...

HAHA charlotte! **looks around frantically**
AHA...I'll sacrafice my kitten cuz she's a bitch and she's ruining my couch as we speak...no wait...cuz she's the closest thing to me, yeah thats it...in hopes that you find your keys and regain consciousne*..**scrolls down**...UMM, regain your trust in the blogosphere, yeah, what she said! And if I haven't made you laugh yet, I will manana, i know u missed me to DEATH today, but I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! *hugs* muuaah!

9:59 PM  
Blogger muse said...

http://www.threadbared.com/

That'll get you smiling! (found it here: http://iamgoddess.blogspot.com/)

10:48 PM  
Blogger Dgn said...

this is why I consider every word I type on my blog.. I try to realise that the person I am talking about doesnt like it & if i'm prepared to face the consequences..

And still :)
Viva Blog

11:41 AM  
Blogger Hippo said...

It's all anonymous on my blog. If your name happens to be Shelly than you might end up named Shitty in my blog. I happen to be Al now your Arse. I don't always stay with the first letter, many times I pick a characteristic and go from there.

Dr. H.O. Potamus

6:18 PM  
Anonymous Nuclear Butterfly said...

Been through it. Even with nicknames and no details, I still got discovered, and not in a good way. Started a new blog, completely new nicknames, and this time with restricted posts (yay WordPress). Still kept my LiveJournal though, so I can read my friends and occasionally post to them - but I went "friends only" so my jerkwad stalker (who knows me in real life) can't see what I'm posting. Gah! Stoopid people.

12:22 PM  
Blogger LipglossQ said...

I just cant believe that someone would do that.

11:47 AM  

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