Sunday, January 29, 2006

Pissed at Pitt

The Hubster suggested we watch "that movie with Brad Pitt and what's her name" tonight. Pfft! "You like him right"? To that I replied not any more! I am never watching another movie of his, or show or whatever. I am pissed at Pitt. You see I heart Jennifer, and Brad? Well he is just plain stupid. A stupid man that couldn't make a movie with Angelina Jolie and keep it in his damn pants at the same time. I hope Angelina's gay lover beats the shit out of him! And then I hope she gains 200 pounds while carrying his twins. And I hope they need a crane to drag her damn ass out of her limo. And then I hope Jen laughs. I hope she laughs long and loud!! Is anyone else out there pissed at Pitt? Raise ya hands up in da air, wave 'em round like ya juss don't care. Shout out and tell me why.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Them Theyuz Maynuz

First there was this. Posted by Picasa
And now there is this! All in one week. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Aching To Go Home

I am aching to go home today, but I am not sure where that is anymore. I am lost. I feel like running toward a place where I feel safe. To a place where I know people support me, and are there for me. A place where I feel loved and respected. Today was a bad day. Bad and hurtful things happened today. They say home is where the heart is. I have many "hearts" in Massachusetts. In Massachusetts I can go for a short ride and get a coffee, sit in the parking lot and watch happy people go by, and pretend I am one of them. Not here. In Massachusetts I can call Shelli and say, "Hey I am coming over" and be there in 10 minutes. In Massachusetts I can flop on her couch and she can make me laugh and because I am laughing I won't cry. But then again I am a cry baby, so maybe I will. But that would be ok too. I have so many thoughts in my head, it just plain hurts. Not like a pounding, headachey kind of hurt, kind of like a hang over, my head weighs a hundred pounds kind of hurt. I smoked a damn cigarette today, to calm my nerves. It didn't. Just made me sick and gave me ash tray mouth ... BLAK ..... nasty. I think I have brushed and gargled 15 times and still ....BLAK, I need an altoid...probably don't have those here either. Two more days of work and I get a day off, I can not wait to be able to stay in bed. The best part is that I won't have to put on a happy face and be pleasant with people, while I am withering inside. Withering sucks! I will keep my fingers crossed that tomorrow is a better day. You too!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Idiots, Geeks and Assholes

It's kind of a cute place, in a hick-mountain-town sort of way, No? Posted by Picasa
This is were I work. Shelli calls it the "Idiots, Geeks and Assholes" store. I still love her though. It's a mindless job, just like I wanted. No pressure, no responsibility, no problems. All I have to do is be there on time and listen for those little beeps as I pass other people's groceries over my scanner.
 Posted by Picasa

Friday, January 20, 2006

Stuff Portrait Friday - Tooth Brushes

Mine is the purple one, on the right, in the back. We all got new tooth brushes from Santa for Christmas. Thank You Santa. Posted by Picasa

Stuff Portrait Friday - Towels

Here are some of my towels, the others have taken a small vacation to the laundry area. Posted by Picasa

Stuff Portrait Friday - Lotions

Here they are, my lotions, they are all cheap shit, except for the one in the front, "secret crush", which is from bath and body. Posted by Picasa

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Funky Shoes

I took a picture of my new shoes, to make Shelli laugh, to keep her from being sad, as I tell the story of how I was almost killed today. Posted by Picasa
Seriously......I was driving down the mountain, mesmirized by the 70's rock CD I was listening to and the humm of my tires and I hit a patch of ice. I was on part of the road that bares slightly left. I guess I was going a little too fast for those road conditions, I started to break because a tanker truck followed by a jeepwere coming up the hill and I wasn't sure I could keep my car completely in my own lane. As soon as my foot touched the break, I lost control of my car. My front end went left, my back end went right, I slid sideways, heading toward the other lane. The tanker whooshed by on the right and I swear my hair flew back even though my window was completely closed. Still sliding sideways toward the jeep, I didn't breath or blink, my hands grabbed the wheel and turned into the skid. My front snow tires grabbed a piece of dry road, the back end of the car slid to the left, somehow we got out of the way of the jeep. The car came to a jerking halt bouncing from the left tires to the right tires like Herbie the Love Bug. I looked around, saw in my rear view mirror the brake lights of the jeep go off as it continued up over the hill. I stepped on the gas and we drove off. It took a minute before I started to lose my breath and cry, I was that shaken. We were not even wearing seat belts. I'll tell ya, someone was looking out for us today. Shelli this is the part where you go look at my knew shoes, so you are not sad.
 Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

So Beautiful, Yet So Painful

How can such a beautiful place, inflict such pain on me? This is the lake and the mountains, this is what I see at the end of my street. People actually live on that island. Posted by Picasa
And here he is, my blog friends, my husband!! Posted by Picasa

Pac-topus

I thought this snow creature was a pac-man ghost (go figure I am a child of the 70's), anyway The Hubster says it is an octopus....see the snow tentacles??? He is thooo thmaaat! Posted by Picasa

Snow Bunnies

This is how they leave for school every morning, all bundled up like the kid on "Christmas Story"! At least they didn't shoot their eyes out, then again I wouldn't buy them a stupid gun anyway! Posted by Picasa

Friday, January 13, 2006

Depression is a Monster

A lot has happened since I moved to Maine. One of the big things is that I stopped taking medication for depression and anxiety when I migrated. I had been on the medication for 2 maybe 3 years. I figured I didn't need it anymore. I figured I could "handle" my illness with out it. Now, I am not so sure.
It's been almost six months and I never really had that "crash and burn" stage I was warned about. I think it's just been sneaking up on my ass all along.
I have issues and quite honestly I don't know if they are due to my lack of medication or my lack of Massachusetts. Some days everything makes me cry. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I just can not hold back my tears. Some days I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, first I am happy and content, next I am devastated and aching, then I pull myself up by my boot straps, kick myself in the ass, put a smile on my face and move on. Some days my bed is the safest, most comfortable, relaxing place in the universe, the only place I can hide, but I force myself to get up.
I remember before the medication, sleep was the only thing that stopped the pain. It was my refuge. It was my eye in the storm. I feel myself drifting toward that place again. The place where my head swirls with so many thoughts and so many questions with out answers that they get all mixed up into a whirling cyclone of thought that devours me. It devours my energy. It makes me feel like I have been running uphill, in the rain, in the dark; cold, exhausted, lonely and alone.
I miss my kids, I miss my family and I miss my friend. Everytime I hit a bump in the road I want to run back to Massachusetts. There have been days when I almost got into the car and went. I don't know where in the hell I thought I was going to, with no home or job, or belongings but anything had to be better than here at that moment. I am afraid and I don't know what to do. I wrestle with going back every single day. Do you know how painful that is? How emotionally draining?
I moved here for a better life. I thought I was leaving my problems behind, the stress from work and the city, and the slumlord in the expensive, yet crappy neighborhood. I left that all behind, but you can not leave behind that which is inside of you. The monster is inside of me. It has been dormant for a while, I thought it was gone. But it was just waiting for the right time, it is sneaky, it is re-awakening and threatening to take away what little I have left. You, see I feel as if I have lost and not gained by moving here. I am homesick. Some say it's normal. Some say it takes a year or longer to get used to a new place. At least for a move as drastic as ours was. I don't know if I will last a year.
I have an appointment next week with a monster slayer, I hope he can help me.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Blog Life vs. Real Life

I have a problem. . .

I am a closet blogger.

The only people in my real life that know I have a blog are Shelli and Hubby. (Oh, and Hubbychong's brother and my old boss, they both dooced me) I don't know if the last two still read me, Hubbychong does not, and I know Shelli does.

My problem is that I would love to share my blog with the rest of my family, (on one hand) but I am afraid. I feel this is a place that I should be able to be totally free with my words and emotions. I also feel, that if I would be inhibited to write honestly, if I knew that family would be reading. I have gotten into trouble several times for this blog, when Hubbychong found out I was writing about personal problems, I got in trouble, when my boss found out I was writing about moving to Maine, I got in trouble. Getting dooced can spell big trouble. I mean I didn't lose my job, (I was leaving anyway) and I didn't lose my marriage (but he was pretty pissed), but it was still painful.

So, I am at a crossroad, here. It might actually be a learning experience to open my blog to family, and to force myself to still write honestly. Or it could be devastating to me and them.

Do you have this problem? Is your blog a secret from the people in your real life? If so what have you experienced, good or bad? If your real life family and friends read your blog are you inhibited to write honestly? Please comment, reading other people's experiences may help me make this decision.

Happy Fucking Wednesday!
Sissy


(perfect example here, could I write "Happy Fucking Wednesday", if I knew my mother was reading this?)

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Things That Make Ya Go Hmm. . . . .

Hubby worked a long day yesterday..... he must really have been tired.......

The phone rings (hubby is at work, we are at home, it's time for him to punch out and join us):

Hubby: Am I walking home tonight?

Sissy: Um, if you want to......

Hubby: Well are you coming to pick me up?

Sissy: Um, hun? You have the car.

Hubby: Oh, shit, see you in a few.

Sissy: (laughing) Now getcha ass home!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sledding

We went sledding today. I'll tell ya what, when I got to the top of this sucker I was out of freakin' breath. Then when I looked down, from up there, I wasn't so sure I wanted to sled down it. I didn't want to discourage my kids so, I did it. It was steep as hell and I almost blew chunks the first time down. Posted by Picasa

Frozen Tundra

This is the lake we swim in. It is frozen now. All those tracks you see are from snowmobiles. They actually go ACROSS the lake on those machines! Too scary for my ass! And those are my little ones Bam-Bam and 'Lil Diva, not that you can see then well. I need practice with my camera I suppose! Posted by Picasa

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

This is my daughter (on the right), Cassidy, (a.k.a. 'lil diva), and her best friend Victoria outside our house. Posted by Picasa

Icicles Until May

Here are some big damn icicles hanging on the side of my bank here in the arctic tundra. I am sure they will be here until spring. The temp just doesn't rise above freezing, Not until April or May anyway. One good thing, if you get thirsty while in the drive thru line, you can just reach up from your car window and brake one off to suck on! Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

It's not a Maine thing I swear!

When I was in Massachusetts for the holidays, Shelli and I had a conversation in which I used the phrase "hen-pecked". When she finally stopped laughing, like 5 minutes later when she started to turn blue, she said she had never heard of that. "Is that a "Maine" thing?", she quipped. So I am taking a survey to prove to her that it is not a Maine thing. Has anyone else ever heard of or used this phrase? If so, what is your definition?