Friday, January 13, 2006

Depression is a Monster

A lot has happened since I moved to Maine. One of the big things is that I stopped taking medication for depression and anxiety when I migrated. I had been on the medication for 2 maybe 3 years. I figured I didn't need it anymore. I figured I could "handle" my illness with out it. Now, I am not so sure.
It's been almost six months and I never really had that "crash and burn" stage I was warned about. I think it's just been sneaking up on my ass all along.
I have issues and quite honestly I don't know if they are due to my lack of medication or my lack of Massachusetts. Some days everything makes me cry. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I just can not hold back my tears. Some days I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, first I am happy and content, next I am devastated and aching, then I pull myself up by my boot straps, kick myself in the ass, put a smile on my face and move on. Some days my bed is the safest, most comfortable, relaxing place in the universe, the only place I can hide, but I force myself to get up.
I remember before the medication, sleep was the only thing that stopped the pain. It was my refuge. It was my eye in the storm. I feel myself drifting toward that place again. The place where my head swirls with so many thoughts and so many questions with out answers that they get all mixed up into a whirling cyclone of thought that devours me. It devours my energy. It makes me feel like I have been running uphill, in the rain, in the dark; cold, exhausted, lonely and alone.
I miss my kids, I miss my family and I miss my friend. Everytime I hit a bump in the road I want to run back to Massachusetts. There have been days when I almost got into the car and went. I don't know where in the hell I thought I was going to, with no home or job, or belongings but anything had to be better than here at that moment. I am afraid and I don't know what to do. I wrestle with going back every single day. Do you know how painful that is? How emotionally draining?
I moved here for a better life. I thought I was leaving my problems behind, the stress from work and the city, and the slumlord in the expensive, yet crappy neighborhood. I left that all behind, but you can not leave behind that which is inside of you. The monster is inside of me. It has been dormant for a while, I thought it was gone. But it was just waiting for the right time, it is sneaky, it is re-awakening and threatening to take away what little I have left. You, see I feel as if I have lost and not gained by moving here. I am homesick. Some say it's normal. Some say it takes a year or longer to get used to a new place. At least for a move as drastic as ours was. I don't know if I will last a year.
I have an appointment next week with a monster slayer, I hope he can help me.


Blogger Pissy Britches said...

I am sorry you are going through a hard time Sissy.
Go see the Monster Dr. Get back on your medicine. Send some my way while your at it. Feel better sooner.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Kami said...

Good luck. Moving sucks. I tried to get off of my happy pills, too, but sometimes you just need them. You can't fix chemical problems yourself. :)


3:41 PM  
Blogger muse said...

"I wrestle with going back every single day. Do you know how painful that is? How emotionally draining?"

Well, I haven't moved in a while, but I understand how hard being stuck between 2 options can be. When I decided to keep my current job (as opposed to a new one) last Fall, it felt like such a relief, like I'd had one foot out the door for 2 years (when I'd been unhappy and wanted to find something else), and now I could finally relax. I hadn't realized how stressful it had been until it was over. Certainty is sure better than not knowing!

And currently, well, you know about my divorce and the subsequent "will we stay together as common law only after or not at all" quandary. This whole thing has been going on since October 04, I've just finally accepted that in our situation, divorce is the only way for me to be safe financially/legally, but the rest (staying together or not) is still up in the air, and it's sucking my energy like you wouldn't believe (or maybe you would).

Congrats on deciding to go see someone. If my work schedule permitted it, I'd love to do it too. I guess I'll try again to find someone who does evenings.

And if you want to talk, please feel free to email me. I'd love to know what is happening with you, and "listen". I understand that it can be hard to talk to others at times, because they simply haven't been through something similar, and though they love you, some things they just can't understand.

Anyway. I'm thinking about you! :)

11:29 PM  
Blogger Hippo said...

Hey Sissy,

Long time no See! I'm so very happy you changed that interface you had, that was freaky and it bogged down my computer.

Regarding moving, particuliarly to Maine, more particuliarly to Mid or Northern Rural Maine where you don't know anybody-its tough! I used to live in similiar remoteness and I made friends and love the natural beauty of the area but it was not enough. I'm now in semi-civilization. I can be in Boston in an hour or so but I don't live and work there anymore and I won't unless I live right in the city without a car. But back to civilation, yeah, its harder to meet people cuz theres less of 'em and their more reclusive. Anyway, wishing you the best nay-bah

Dr. H.O. Potamus-Old Port Hanger arounder

9:01 PM  

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